Stay at Home Mom

Prayer: Have Your way, Lord. My mind and heart have been so full of fear. I understand now that You can not dwell in the same space as unbelief. I know now that when I feel fear, I will trust in You.

Fear. Girl, I had to take a deep breath after typing that word. Lord knows I have been battling with this lately. I know the scripture about it:

2 Timothy 1:7

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

I know songs about it, but none of that has changed the fact that I’m battling fear in my life.

I know you’re wondering, “Sis, why are you afraid?” Well, there are a lot of fears that I have. One fear in particular is not being a good mom. That fear has so many layers, but the common denominator of it is: I believe I’m not good enough.

Right now, I’m planning a celebration for my baby girl. I have bought so many decorations, party favors, etc. because I want it to be successful. I have made her dress, I will bake and cook, and I am creating a list of games. I’m planning how to decorate the house and making reservations for families coming from out of town. 

Yes, this party is that serious for me. At moments, it has been overwhelming. Sometimes, I just have to take a break from planning. 

During those breaks, I think about the family members I miss; I wonder what they would do with this same fear I have. I wish they were here to show me how to do life, in general. Lately, I have been thinking about my dad the most. My mother told me that he did everything for my first birthday, and how she didn’t have to lift a finger.

I now sit and wonder why he felt the need to do everything. Was he dealing with fears of his own? Am I holding onto a generational fear? Am I overcompensating so that I will feel like a good parent? 

It’s possible that I am overcompensating because something in my head keeps saying I’m not enough. I have extended grace to the past version of myself, but I have not given the present version of myself the same grace. How many of you are dealing with the same situation?

This morning, I read a post about someone who is fighting breast cancer. One of the hashtags she typed was #faithoverfear. Instantly, I felt compelled to write to you today. Here I am, at 4:03 am, discussing my fears and feelings of inadequacy.

I’m ready to confront this fear. I know that the feeling is so strong in me because I was meant to breathe faith where fear is now. Psalms 56:3-4 say:

“What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee. In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me.”

As I quietly type on my phone, as to not wake my daughter, I am understanding now more than ever that fear is pointing out the spaces where I need faith. If you feel fear, please, place your faith in God to give you what you need to overcome whatever obstacles you have in your life.

You don’t have to be afraid. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to know every scripture to go to God. He wants to love you back to a place of faith. He wants you to know you are His child, and nothing can separate you from His love. You can’t do anything that will make Him turn away from you. Sis, that is unconditional love. I know it is hard to believe at first, but His word states:

Isaiah 55:8

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.”

When God sees you, He sees the good in you. He sees the potential He placed on the inside of you. You are sufficient in Him. You’re loved more than you can imagine. Let Him help you with your unbelief (Mark 9: 14-29).

Sincerely Your Sister,

JJJ.