Stay at Home Mom

These last five months have taught me much more about life than anytime I can recall. Watching my blessing grow into this thriving little one has been eye-opening. J.R. has so much personality; she is picking up on words and moving faster than I expected her to. She is so observant also. I have decided that I needed to change myself to be a good role model for my daughter. I know that past hurts had me bitter, so there was only one logical thing to do with that bitterness: let it go.

Elsa and I have different meanings of the phrase. She wanted to relocate because she thought no one would accept her. I want to forgive myself and others for wrongs, whether intentional or unintentional. I do believe that she had a point about living life unapologetically, but let’s save that for another blog entry.

Let’s be honest, forgiveness is hard. If I were to ask a group of people to think of an instance when someone hurt them or let them down, the majority would have an example ready to share. My tales of woe are not important, but what is important is the way I handle hurt feelings or betrayal now. As I stated before, my daughter is very observant. I know soon, she will be looking at me as her role model. She will observe how I handle situations, and she will imitate those actions. Why?

Because as a parent, I am my child’s first teacher. I do not want to lead her down the wrong path, mentally or spiritually. While I am being intentional in my prayer life and am careful about what I watch and listen to, I need to change my thoughts and actions toward unforgiveness.

In Solitaire Healing, I wrote about Jacob. He tricked his blind father into giving him the blessing that belonged to his brother. He left his family and was alone. That’s where God needed him so that he could talk to him about the plans He had for Jacob’s life. 

Chapter 29 of Genesis continues to show us Jacob’s journey. Something that I did not mention in my other post, Jacob is going to live with his Uncle Laban, his mother’s brother. Once he finds his uncle’s place. He sees a beautiful shepherd girl named Rachel, Laban’s daughter. So, yes, he liked his cousin, but let’s get passed that. 

When his uncle found out about his arrival, he was welcoming. Jacob told Laban he would work for him. Being family, Laban wanted to pay Jacob whatever he wanted. Jacob wanted to marry Rachel. He promised to work for seven years to marry her, and Laban was pleased with this arrangement. The time flew by for Jacob because he loved Rachel.

Once he served his uncle for seven years, Jacob requested Rachel’s hand as promised. After a celebration of the marriage, Laban gave Jacob his eldest daughter’s hand instead. When Jacob realized the deception, he confronted Laban. 

25 “And it came to pass, that in the morning, behold, it was Leah: and he said to Laban, What is this thou hast done unto me? did not I serve with thee for Rachel? wherefore then hast thou beguiled me?

26 And Laban said, It must not be so done in our country, to give the younger before the firstborn.

27 Fulfil her week, and we will give thee this also for the service which thou shalt serve with me yet seven other years.”

Genesis 29: 25-27

How could he do this? Jacob worked for him for seven years for Rachel and got Leah. Then he has the nerve to say to work seven more years. I would be questioning Laban. In the seven years I was working for Rachel, you couldn’t find anyone for Leah? You knew she needed to get married first. That means you planned to betray me all along.

Side note, I have grown up learning stories like this one. It feels like I am reading this one for the first time. I was taught the importance of not lying as a child, but I did not realize the connection between Jacob’s previous actions and the consequence of those actions. Jacob tricked his elderly father, and now Jacob’s uncle has tricked him. I guess deception runs in the family.

Even if I wanted to be mad at Laban, I cannot. I wonder if that is why Jacob served him for seven more years. There is no evidence of this in the scripture, but what if God was testing Jacob? Can you forgive someone who deceives you? Are you able to take what you dish out? For the “sanctified” people, are you able to reap what you sow? That is what will determine your future. Can you forgive someone who is just like you?

Forgiving others can be difficult because we want to protect ourselves from being hurt again. What if the person you cannot forgive is yourself? How do you protect yourself from yourself? Jacob had made mistakes in the past, and that is why he was able to forgive someone that hurt him. During those seven years of work, I believe God was working on him. I believe Jacob found peace in his past and forgave himself for his future. He was becoming humbled by the hard work and dedication to have Rachel as his wife. When life served him a dose of his own medicine, he took it like a champ. He worked seven more years for Rachel.

Would we be able to do the same? I know God is still working on me about forgiveness. I have many people to forgive, that includes me. Just like Jacob, I have a future worth letting go of all the offenses for. I am ready to get the beauty I want, so I am willing to give God these ashes (Isaiah 61:3). My daughter is the future I see, and she is worth letting go of my past.