Stay at Home Mom

New Oxford American Dictionary defines wonderful as an inspiring delight, pleasure, or admiration; extremely good; marvelous.

For most of my life, I’ve been told how good I am, and I have been praised for being delightful. I received good grades, and I was very active in sports such as soccer, cheerleading, and dance. I still have the trophies and awards to prove it. I was involved in everything at my church: choir, Bible Study, drama, and Sunday School. Because of all that I have mentioned, women debated over if I would marry their sons and grandsons. I was an expert at being good and getting everyone’s approval. I did what everyone expected me to do.

College changed everything for me. I still knew how to be “good,” but I realized my imperfections. My idea of wonderful was so distorted; I believed that I had to be perfect for someone to consider me wonderful. I found myself comparing my success, wardrobe, and relationships that I had with others. I felt inferior in every aspect because I was not perfect. I was intimidated by other people’s success.

Fast-forward to December 22, 2021, my father’s first heavenly birthday, I found out I was pregnant. I knew what I wanted my pregnancy and birth plan to look like. I wanted to have a completely natural birth, and I expected nothing but perfection. I thought about what kind of life I wanted to give my baby. Even with these things already planned out, I still didn’t feel wonderful.

Fast-forward to J.R.’s birth. I had an induction with no epidural, and I received praise from family, friends, and medical staff. I still did not feel wonderful. Those long days and nights spent taking care of my newborn, but I had that same feeling. I felt inadequate and no one could tell me otherwise. I heard people say that I was doing so well as a mom. The pediatrician gave nothing but good reports and was satisfied with her growth. That was not enough for me.

I realized now that I was experiencing postpartum depression. The feeling is real, and it is okay to not be okay. It is important to speak up when you are not feeling your best. Your feelings are valid. You are not a failure, and you are a good mom.

I did not realize how hard I was being on myself until I read the card above. Once I read it, I remembered this verse and I felt what I wanted to feel all along:

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

Psalm 139:14

At the end of the day, it is what God thinks about me that matters. It is important for us to repeat the word of God over our lives because He speaks the truth. He made us and saw that we were good. Not just “good” but “extremely good.” We are wonderful in His eyes, and He loves us, flaws and all.

Yes, you are wonderful, and someone out there admires your resilience. It doesn’t matter what you have done in the past. Your future is bright, so seize the day and be your marvelous self.

Sincerely Your Sister,

JJJ.